What the heck is a Boundary Breach?

I woke up on Thursday last week and went about a normal day. Within the first half hour of my day I knew there had been a ‘boundary breach’. Sounds dramatic doesn’t it! My teen had done something that wasn’t ok……. it was subtle, but not ok. They knew they’d ticked me off. I knew I’d been ticked off. How did I know? My tummy was churning, I couldn’t gather my thoughts as to why what they done was wrong, I found myself spinning.
Over breakfast, my teen pushed me for reasons to justify why I was upset, but I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t word it.

Instead I called a halt and said I’d talk about after their day.

Ironically, (or maybe providence dictates), at Mindcare we were running a Boundaries Wellbeing session for a client that morning.  I sat facilitating the session, trying to absorb all the information.

What is a ‘Boundary’? In short Brene Brown would say you can feel the shift between when something is ok, and when it’s not ok. I would add that sometimes you can feel it before you can verbalise it. Brene Brown on Boundaries.

In our Wellbeing session on Boundaries, Ruth talks through the different types of boundaries by sharing a visual (see below). I find this soooo useful.

Ruth talks through why some of these boundaries might have developed, and now for the gold, how we can put things in place to readdress the balance.

She gives us her four golden keys.
I found two particularly helpful that day. They helped me define what was going on in me and enabled me to put language to it:

Key 1: Our Emotions have a message:
I applied it to my own situation how did I feel? Angry, disrespected, irritated, frustrated. I could feel it in my body, and they were feelings that I needed to not ignore.

Key 2: Our Values are a signpost: I sat and had a think through some of the values we have as a household and which ones I felt were being breached. This was really helpful.

Needless to say, when my teen arrived home, I had words for what had happened that morning. I was able to sit down with them, lay it out clearly where there had been a boundary breach and highlight the way forward without compromise. Their response was ‘Fair’. That’s what they said. They accepted the clear rule, they accepted the chat.

What a win; shouting match averted and emotional literacy engaged. We both managed to be authentic, true to ourselves. We agreed to disagree but they would respect our house rules.

Mindcare Training’s Boundaries session isn’t an airy-fairy concept. It’s practical, life giving, peace making.